I’m not great at reflecting. In fact, a lot of times I prefer not to look back and just keep my eyes forward. What good does it do when I can’t change the past? But, as I sit here at the end of a very busy “people-ing” month, exhausted & wrung out, I’ve allowed myself to remember a time when I actually enjoyed putting myself out there, thrived on social interaction, and though never really an extrovert, I at least wanted to live in community with others.
And I was good at it.
But the last years have changed me. The pandemic. The social isolation. The career change. I saw it happening, felt my need to “hide” get stronger, watched as my “I” percentage got higher and higher every time I took the MBTI personality test. And noticed I’m no longer good at the people stuff. I’m awkward. I say odd things. I’m not warm or inviting. I wear my exhaustion on my face. And I listen to those who know me, who are close to me, say things like “I can tell when you’re done” or “It’s time for Susan to bail and get alone time”.
Maybe there’s nothing wrong with this shift.
But honestly, I kinda miss liking people (ha!) and feeling confident they like me back. I miss conversations and fellowship with others and feeling uplifted, and that I’ve offered the same. I miss the comfort in being around others.
I don’t want to live in isolation, though I’ve said many times that I do.
I don’t want to Suzanne Collins it into the mountains only to be heard from every few years or so.
I don’t want to become an old cat lady who yells at people for coming too close. (I don’t even like cats!) :)
And yet, I feel like it would be SO EASY to just let that happen.
I have no conclusion to these musings…no final thought that will bring this all home. I just want to say “hi” to those who find me here. And “thanks” to those who continue to stick around. And “I had a great time” to those I saw this month. You all are who keep me from the abyss…and that lifeline is more precious to me than you’ll ever know.
*I spent more time with Julie Soto and Ali Hazelwood this month than I did with my own mother. Ha! They are both EXTREMELY good at peopleing and thus, are likely at fault for my existential crisis. Sending them my therapy bills.*
There are SO MANY freaking talented storytellers out there and I’m so grateful to be able to read books!!! It was an amazing month of love, an amazing Black History Month, and an amazing “spring is almost here” month. All of those things reflected in the books I read. I will scream from the mountain tops about each and every one of these titles. I feel like I won the book lottery in February! Highly recommend them all. I don’t doubt a couple of things will still be on my “best of 2024” list by year’s end.
I also did my annual reread (via audiobook) of Lisa Kleypas’ “Dreaming of You” in celebration of Derek Craven day. If you haven’t dipped your toe in the Kleypas backlist, I sure wish you would. I was not a huge historicals reader and yet finding these books swept me away and remain many of my all-time favorites. Meetcha back here next year for another DC day!
Ok, I can admit that “Marry My Husband” kind of went off the rails between episodes 12-15. And I was worried they weren’t going to be able to salvage it. But the ending was incredibly satisfying to my romance-loving soul. It felt like the perfect epilogue. And I’m happy. I’ll miss them.
March marks the start of some highly anticipated K-dramas releasing, including the return of my LOVER Kim Soo Hyun. So, prepare yourselves for my epic fangirling on socials. :)
And now…I’m off to Korea to spend the Spring among the blossoms. Meet you back here next month where my entire newsletter will be written in Korean! Just kidding. Updates on the socials…per usual…@susanleewrites everywhere.
Susan ! I’ve said it before and I’ll scream it from the rooftops - you always say the right thing at the right time . I am grateful for your willingness to share your heart with others ! I always get something from it ! 💕
February was a really tough and emotionally exhausting month for me. Everything that could possibly go wrong came crumbling down all at once. There was times where all I wanted to do was be surrounded by my school life and then there were times all I wanted to do was be locked up in my room. Then...I would turn to BTS and get even more sad because I miss them. Reading about your experience with socializing really hit me and I'm just happy we both got through February. Have an amazing time in Korea and I will continue to take one day at a time (until I see ENHYPEN is April, eeek)! ♡